Monday, September 26, 2011

It's not easy

Lately i feel as if I've been torn apart. Literally torn up and fed to the wolves. I feel like my husband and i are on one side of the fence facing a bunch of people who don't believe in us anymore. this year has not been easy. last year was not easy. i have no idea what to do anymore when it comes to how we are going to live. don't get me wrong, i am still absolutely in love with my man. I just feel like things financially will never change. do we move? are we stuck in Utah forever? do i just start having kids and give up my dream? am i a bad Mormon for not wanting a child right now? or not seeing the 'big picture' because i feel that the Lord hasn't been there for us? I'm sure no one will see this, nor even care. but if anyone out there feels the way that i do give me a shout out or some words of wisdom because I'm pretty sure that the 'deep pit of despair' I'm in is not going to change without some form of intervention. til then...

1 comment:

  1. I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom, but all I have is love. I think you're wonderful, Lindsay. I know things are hard, and it's hard to see the bright side of situations when it's pitch black. But I really do believe that the Lord is always with you. Even when you can't feel him or see him in your life. You just have to be faithful, and obedient, and everything will work out in due time. I am the most impatient person ever, and I'm also a Debbie Downer. I have the hardest time seeing the good in all the bad. But it is there. For the time being, focus on the little blessings. The love from your husband, even things as small as the leaves changing. The big changes and blessings will come as long as you keep asking, and keep doing what you need to do. There will always be something difficult in your life, and you have to find the small good things.

    (If you didn't hear it last weekend), You must read this summary of the talk by Elder Uchtdorf from the Relief Society General Meeting. It was really incredible.

    I love you, Lindsay. I think you are beautiful, and amazing, and that you will do wonderful things in your life. There is a time for everything. If and when you are ready for kids, you'll know. Don't rush that, ever. It will change the rest of your life. Children are an incredible blessing, and I wouldnt' give up Clara for anything, but there are a lot of dreams that I had to change when we decided to get pregnant. Keep praying, fasting, and reading your scriptures. The Lord does love you, and he is watching out for you, even though you can't always see or feel him.

    Sorry I'm so long-winded. And I don't know if I've said anything that helps. But I'm here for you, either way. Love you, darling..